Dealing with Loss

"Dad" called the daughter of the household. Someone's here to see you.

-----10 Minutes earlier------

Scene: In the car.

Mood: Sleeeeepy cause that's what you do when you're returning from a day trip to the capital city.

Mum: well I guess this is the place.

Me (whining): but Maaa do we have to go. My face pulled into a frown...you guys go ahead. I can stay in the car.

My mother who is usually a very kind lady turned around from the front seat and gave me a look that wasn't too kind at all.

"ok ok I'm coming," I mumbled.

"That's my good girl"

(After 20 years of experience in this household, if there is one lesson I have learnt, its never to argue with you typical Indian mom......ever ).

" and so you shall live long in the land that the lord has provided".

If you know you know ;)

---

A middle aged man who was a well known pastor, stepped out into the living room.

I had known this pastor since I was a child but I could barely recognize him now.

Once a jovial fellow, whose bellowing hearty laugh could put put a smile on anyone's face looked as if all the joy had been taken away from him. He had lost weight too. His once triple XL shirts, that barely fit him, hung loose from his shoulders. He had dark bags under his eyes and an overgrown beard that covered most of his face. This man was in deep grief.

We exchanged greetings with the family and sat down.

It was almost an year since the passing of his wife. Caught by a sudden unexplained illness, she died leaving 3 teenage daughters for a father to raise on his own. It was a shock to the entire family and christian community. It had happened so fast and even almost an year later I still couldn't believe all that had happened.

"How are you doing John," my father asked.

"Bas chale hai" he replied with a half mustered smile. (we're getting there)

****awkward silence***

Time for good old mother to step in.

"Acha jagha hai tuma yaha" (you have a nice place over here)

"kab move bhaya" (when did you move)

"Beginning of this year," he replied

While my parents were engaged in small talk, I zoned out, looking at the bare walls and peeled away paint on the window ledges. This house definitely lacked a woman's touch.

One could see and feel it.

I was still trying to wrap my head around losing someone you spent your whole life with.

I'll admit it , its hard to put yourself in another's shoes especially when you've haven't had an experience that comes close to it. The only major loss that I had experienced was when I was in class 6 (6th grade). I had lost my aunt who was a school teacher to cancer. Back back then we knew it was coming. This pastor unfortunately, had no clue. A person he cared for dearly was suddenly taken away from his life.

World renown medical practitioner, researcher of depression and anxiety and famous author, Neil Nedley, M.D. had the following to say;

"How healthy you are with age, depends on how well you deal with experiencing losses".

In saying this he recounted the life of a woman who was in her nineties but was all alone. Tragically, she had lost her children until she lost her husband and faced the majority of her life without her family. Nedley had the chance to converse with her and after looking at her life and the approach she used to face and overcome adversities was in the ability to deal with experiencing losses.

I would agree. How successful a person is in life depends on his/ ability to overcome challenges and to rise above failures.

So far with whatever experience I have had with life, the fear of failure is like a disease in the Indo-Fijian (Indians born in Fiji) community. We are often met with huge criticisms if we try something out of the ordinary or maybe that's everywhere............I mean we are all part of the human race after all.

However, I've really felt it within the culture I have grown up in. Having been afraid of being ridiculed and scoffed at, I guess I lay all risks aside and settled for what was comfortable.

Biggest mistake of your life sister/ brother. Because now you have majority of the nation trying to be Accountants and Doctors, trying to fulfill the legacy of someone else. Carrying the name forward. Call it whatever you want. Its all the same in concept.

Take some advice from me.

If you try to please everyone, you'll only end up hurting yourself. It is here that the majority of mankind fall short. You see, just because many of us may don't get it right the first time, we decide that we are losers.

Just because you are not a natural, you think that maybe it wasn't meant to be. I could go on and on about the differences of the growth and fixed mindset but let's leave that for another blog...shall we :).

Only you know what your potential is. Own it and then believe it, cause if you believe it then you're already halfway there. Most importantly listen to other people's opinions but ALWAYS AND ALWAYS value your own judgement. I can still hear that moral value speech ringing in my years as it was being said over the intercom in school. Something that I am most likely to never forget.

If you want some insight into this man's work, which I would highly recommend then click on the link below.

https://nedleyhealthsolutions.com/

Why The Positive Outlook?

Why did this lady that we that we talked about earlier have such a positive outlook. I like what Joe Dispenza, a well known Neuroscientist has to say about how the brain and its response to tragedy.

"We wake up, think about our past memories and emotions interlinked , we become sad. How you think and how you feel creates your state of being. You think in the past, you live in your past life ,going through a series of routine behaviors"- Joe Dispenza

Why is it so Hard to get past Trauma?

The stronger the emotional reaction to some experience in life, the higher the emotional quotient, the more one pays attention to the cause. The brain takes a snapshot, more commonly known as memory. So long term memories are created from very highly emotional experiences. So that people think neurologically within the circuitry of that experience and they feel chemically within the boundaries of that experience.

Bilyeu, Tom. Tom Bilyeu's Full Interview with Joe Dispenza. YouTube, uploaded by Impact Theory, 18 June. 2018, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La9oLLoI5Rc

This was exactly what this church minister was facing and so I think that it is important to understand that its completely normal to feel the way we feel. While it is normal, I also think it it is absolutely necessary to be aware of the stages of trauma and sorrow to be able to cope and deal with our emotions.

They were discussing about her now.

"She was such a humble lady. Always ready to help anyone". It happened so fast. "well pastor, she was in the faith and we know that one day through the blessed hope, the Lord will raise her up"

Christians believe that after the ministry and death of Jesus Christ, he promised to return to Earth, to gather all those who chose to believe in him. To those that chose to believe in his victory and power of death and sin. This second coming of Jesus Christ is known as the "Blessed Hope". The Word also speaks of a Resurrection of the dead. Those that passed on believing in Jesus Christ will be raised again, to bodies possessing immortality without ailments or diseases. Here are a few Bible verses:

Titus 2:13
looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus

1 Thessalonians 4:16
For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.

Acts 1:9-11 
And when he had said these things, as they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight. And while they were gazing into heaven as he went, behold, two men stood by them in white robes, and said, “Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking into heaven? This Jesus, who was taken up from you into heaven, will come in the same way as you saw him go into heaven.”

1 Corinthians 15:51-58
Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality

John hesitated before speaking.

"Yes and that's what everybody says, that's what have preached all my life and this past year I have begun to realize that its so easy to say that we have that Blessed Hope. To say that oh Talatala (pastor) we will see her again. I truly and most surely believe in this comforting hope and this hasn't changed anything about my faith one bit but what do I do what the emptiness that I am feeling, what do I do with this vacuum that suddenly been created in my life?

I don't even know what going back to normal is when all my life what was normal was having her beside me.

Right now I am talking to you, making jokes and saying that everything is fine.

But what I have on is a mask.

My daughters only know what facing every single day with me is like.

What's so crazy is that when you open up and tell people how you are feeling, they say that you're too emotional, you need counselling, you need to get re-married and jump to conclusions when all I wanted was a listening ear. The only confidante I had is no more, and there are every few people that I know, who have experienced the same and who I can turn to. Right now I am grieving for her and slowly trying to pull through. I just wish my close ones understood the same"

I sat there speechless, stunned and almost ashamed. I knew in some ways I had been in his place and equally responsible for the manner in which my being responded. I had allowed society to mold me to its cold and distant approach in response to the needs of others.

Just because he was a minister, everyone thought he was fine. Similarly, just because you are a doctor, nurse, a top student that always has good grades and who always has it together in front of the world, we assume to be fine. But we are not.

We are hurting and we are afraid to speak about it.

The dark part of being a Fijian in Fiji is the illusion of "where the sun rises, there is all smiles". The people of Fiji are known for their infectious hospitality. True, we have some of the warmest people but have we had a good look at the depression and suicide rates?.

How many of us go around wearing "masks" ?

It seems almost funny to say but talking about your feelings is almost a sort of a taboo in both cultures. Showing of emotions such as pain and grief (too much) is almost embarrassing and a sign of vulnerability.

So what happens? we put on masks and it slowly eats away at us, trying to live up to your family's and societies expectations. You slowly become the shell of a person you thought you were. To those that don't hurt and we become mere spectators and commentators of the debacles of friends and families.

People say its none of your business. I say that the well-being, safety and security of another person is always your business It showing that you care, a symbol of our humanity. Choosing to live passively, just because you're not hurting doesn't mean you shouldn't do something about it? Have a look at this spoken word that really explains the power of what just a simple question can do in the life of another.

What is the Solution?

I would like to end this blog with the the shortest verse that is found in the Bible. It is found in the book of John

John 11:35 Jesus wept

After finding out that his friend Lazarus had been dead for 4 days. Jesus is met face to face with a crowds of mourning people.The Bible explains that he saw other people wailing and he wept too. To weep is to express deep, heart wrenching sorrow. He saw the sorrow and the pain that the death has brought upon humanity. And so as a witness to other people that he holds power over death and to give them hope, he stood outside the tomb of Lazarus and shouted “Lazarus, come out!”.

The Raising of Lazarus
(John 11:38-44)
38 Jesus, intensely moved again, came to the tomb. (Now it was a cave, and a stone was placed across it.) 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, replied, “Lord, by this time the body will have a bad smell, because he has been buried four days.” 40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that if you believe, you would see the glory of God?” 41 So they took away the stone. Jesus looked upward and said, “Father, I thank you that you have listened to me. 42 I knew that you always listen to me, but I said this for the sake of the crowd standing around here, that they may believe that you sent me.” 43 When he had said this, he shouted in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The one who had died came out, his feet and hands tied up with strips of cloth, and a cloth wrapped around his face. Jesus said to them, “Unwrap him and let him go.”

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Final Comments

The reason I started this blog was a way to communicate to you cause I am not so good at speaking with people. Its very hard to talk with your guard down. As people we share moments of happiness and joy and laughter but how can we forget that grief and sorrow is also part of the human experience. It's what makes us human. Without it we are just HOLLOW. Without it we wouldn't be reminded that we are part of a bigger plan. That there is more and that we need a savior in our lives. That we need him to hold us in his arms when we cry.

This incident challenged me in so many ways I today I want to do the same. I want to challenge you too. If you see someone who doesn't look too good, stop by say a word or two of encouragement. Don't walk past. The minister that I talked of earlier, thought of committing suicide but stopped after his friends and families checked on him.

Its crazy how a small act as that could make a difference in a person's life. You can make that difference too. Let's start caring today!

Note: Any mention of character names' have been altered to protect the privacy of the individuals concerned.